I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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