Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
