Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Randomize