this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
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