my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
