just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
