He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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