And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize