Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
