The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
