is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
