i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Randomize
