my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
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