mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
