A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
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