I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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