My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
