So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
