her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
