You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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