I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize