i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
