If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
