You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
