My hand turned me down
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize