There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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