I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
