I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
