Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was like getting head from an anaconda
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
