I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
