Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize