he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize