last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
