I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
