this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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