I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
i was born a porn star she said
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
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