haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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