I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
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