It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
