Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
