Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
