So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Those nachos came to me in a dream
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
