We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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