You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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