just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
