fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
