I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
