i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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