I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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