This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Reggie can tackle my bush.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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