I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
