I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
