all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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