Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
