I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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