He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
either way he was missing a nipple.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
