when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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