I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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