I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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