wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
