I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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